REFLECTION: #ISTANDWITHASIA

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I started this post almost a month ago and had it in my drafts, and a friend of mine made a little nudge on her story yesterday that prompted me to post this. Take it off the shelf and be okay with these words.

I’m going to be very honest, it’s so scary to me that a few years ago I would never take any pictures of myself whatsoever!! (Many of my friends are literally like, “whhaaattt are you talking about????”) Growing up, I was always: the ugly friend, the ‘girlfriend’s ugly friend but nice’, the ‘acne/breakouts topic’, the ‘odd one out’, the ‘not cute enough’, and the ‘okay one’. I was the ‘too fat’ and ‘too slim one’, the one who ‘just has a beautiful personality’ and of course the one no one wanted…

It’s still so hard for me to admit that it took me years to get over my face, my weight, my shape, my structure, my beliefs, my teeth, my walk, my talk, my ideas, and opinions. (I know it sounds like I’m just blabbing, but I promise you I’m not). I remember being sucked into the idea of what a woman’s body ‘should‘ look like. It was all I saw. I always wanted to be the brown one or mixed one. The one that didn’t have to worry about socializing… and I know many people are attracted to what they see first right? And I know many persons may say it’s all on television or what social media says, but it’s not. In my classes, the lighter-skinned girls were the ones the guys crawled to. The ones with ‘nice‘ or ‘pretty‘ hair always had friends. They never had to worry about going home alone, getting on the bus with a seat, or getting their lunch early.

It took a lot of healing for me to realize that what everyone thinks about me LITERALLY does not matter. When I came to that conclusion, I managed to bring myself out of the place of not wanting to go to any big event just because of some stupid pimple, zit, zat, or big pores on my face, to going anywhere regardless of if its a bad hair day or not.

I realized that my smile really says it all!! I realized that my joy, my happiness also bless others. I am able to just smile at my day, my life, and my final outfit, and even the fact that others feel good around me. They can make comments on how sweet I am and how I made their day feel a bit better. I found myself looking at the good… The friends that made me feel beautiful. The ones that didn’t care if I walked with them and didn’t make me the joke. I appreciated the ones that didn’t POINT IT OUT.

SIDE-NOTE: I would know what is on my face. That isn’t Physics, Biology or Chemistry, it’s common sense. Right? That is something, that to this day, I will never understand. What is someone’s reason for pointing out something that is not only visible to them and others but also to the individual with it? Like, no cap, I have a small eye?? You tripping. *Walks away from the situation because some people, just aren’t worth it.*

What hurts me most is that this comes from adults too!!! This whole, I don’t have my skin all together experience made me realize that age really doesn’t define maturity. So many of them used me as a laughing stock. The peas to their soup, the highlight of their day or most importantly, their mini ‘Ted Talk‘. It sparked their conversations. The ideal conversation starter, “Talk about someone’s insecurity or flaw”. It really is interesting to see how exciting it is for one human to not feel like talking about another person’s issues is a bad thing. Does this actually give you a sense of peace? You are left to wonder who deserves the Humanitarian of the Year Award.

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I don’t need anybody’s advice, but thanks anyway. *Inserts sarcasm. Lord I know what you said, I am sorry.* Everyone thought it was their divine duty to tell me what to do to make it go away or help with it. From the shrimp lady to the random man on the bus, it’s all I’ve ever heard. Use this, eat that. Drink this, wash that. And, to those in the taxi on my way home or heading to school, not because I have breakouts means that I am a genius or professional on breakouts. That just doesn’t make any sense. There are dermatologists and estheticians for a reason. They went to school for this. I know my skin and what works. It may be a bad day or week or year. But, please, don’t bother me. I however appreciate the concern.

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I remember right after a period of actually taking pictures, that I would strategically set myself ‘perfectly’ so that my face pimples weren’t in any pictures or videos. I kind of do that currently when I have breakouts but then, I was so self-conscious about it that it made decision-making a difficult task. I was sooooooo caught up in how I looked and how others saw me. (Sorry old self). I remember wanting to personally ask God why me? Is this going to be one of those stories that I bring up a few years from now when I officially enter into the beauty industry? What is the purpose of this being a way people identify me or talk to me?

I had days that I questioned my purpose, questioned my reason for living and I also had a time where I just couldn’t see eye-to-eye with anyone that called me beautiful. I never was a “negative nugget“, but I mentally dismissed every compliment that was sent my way. I would think of it like a concrete wall… hmph. Kind of reminds you of when someone says you have your walls up. My walls soaked in some compliments and bounced acorns off the ground at the feet of an oak tree. I have to find a laugh in it, I sincerely do not apologize.

When Snapchat filters came out, that gave me false hope…sigh. I learned from Criminal Minds actually, that hope can be really crippling. I didn’t have the best of phones so the camera quality didn’t make picture-taking any better for me. Imagine hiding behind a physical filter [The fact that we all are to wear masks right now] …Does anybody want a mask?

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I remember being told that my youngest sister was the cutest one.. (PSA//YES, THE BROWN SISTER AND WE ARE RELATED BY BLOOD). I remember being told that my sisters are “WAY CUTER” and that’s fine…because I agree. They are way sweeter than me. An Aunt told me to not only see them as my sisters but also my cheerleaders. 5 years later, I see myself, and life differently. If they love it, it’s not just because they love me, and that’s a mental trap I kept myself in for some time. They are real princesses. I thank my dad for calling us princesses. Man…guys, do that for your girls, I’m telling you!!!

But those words really damaged my views on myself. You can say it crippled my ability to see myself as beautiful. I always was pretty yes, but it’s okay, my sisters look much better than me. *I can hear them even now screaming while reading this.* After some time, it didn’t matter so much how often they told me that they love me. I saw and heard everything that people said to me on the street, at church, on social media. I mean, can you blame them? Most of society isn’t aware of what they say to each other. Some unknowingly damage a person’s character and that really is an issue in and of itself. As I’m thinking now, the word FORGIVENESS comes to mind. Have you forgiven individuals who contributed to you thinking negatively about your attributes and physical features? Have you found yourself forgiving those that have hurt you? Have you forgiven yourself for being difficult all those years? Have you forgiven social media for telling you lies? Have you forgiven those that made it their duty to tell you their opinions about you? Have you forgiven?

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Philippians 4:8 kjv

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And of course, everybody sees this confident yet still occasionally shy or reserved girl. BUT, YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. Of course, I have good or ‘alright‘ skin now (well not now because quarantine hit me with a reality check) but it took a lot of mental work to get to where I am now. Me??? Talk to guys… NEVER DID EXISTED. Me??? Going anywhere that I didn’t have to?? NEVER HAPPENED!! (Even though there were places and events that I had to go and decided not to) I talked myself out of more mental traps than I can count. There were days where I had to get out of more than the days in a year. And people think that what they say is ‘no big deal‘… but as a victim of loose mouth people… it digs deep if you are not sure anymore. And sigh. I always wonder how different my life would be if my father never boosts me up like oxygen to my lungs… or like a supply to my confidence collection. Because. Every Sunday… “You look really beautiful First Fruit”. He was always boosting up my confidence going to church and everywhere I went.

Through the bad comments and the stares on the road, to the ‘Ruth-Ann has acne ask her what to put on your face’, I have so come to love myself in every stage that she is in. I thank God for God… because the day I told Him I wanted to know me through his eyes… was the best decision I ever made. I never felt so at home and at peace with myself.. and I told God that every day… I want you to tell me something. And it’s been almost 2 years. And I FEEL GOOD. There is so much more to life than how you look. And the secret, you are what you eat, and your inside shows on the outside in the end.

So… I know how much of a great person I am. And no one can change that. I used to wonder “why???” Like. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY KNOWS ACNE AND BREAKOUTS ETC. like not even distant relatives. And I felt so awkward at reunions or family dinners because I was the only one… but yeah. Now I just write, make jokes, tell you what works for hair skin and nails, boost others’ confidence, go to church and school, and spread love.

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Words From The Experienced and Experiencing

So to end this on a general note… Try your best not to say what you wouldn’t want anyone to say to you.. regardless of if you are experiencing it or not. Be kind. BE KIND!! Everybody is insecure about something. Everyone is going through something. You’d be surprised that your insecurity is what people love the most about you. Your smile, your hugs, your laughs, your toes, your tone, your attitude, your mind, your handwriting, your likes, your music preferences they make you happy? Don’t let go of that… because you released that happy hormones thingy. But yeah. Please don’t feel like it’s the end of the world. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t allow others to hurt you. Don’t put yourself in a depression box every time you see somebody with flawless skin or body or voice or whatever it is. You have more power than you realize. You can walk out of depression. You are not bound to your situation or your negative emotions.

QUICK REMINDER: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Most times what we struggle with is preparing us for the future. We all have a story… who not too short and who not too tall. We can’t measure up to everybody and their standards, thank God we have a God that says all He requires of us is us. We don’t have to adjust to being with Him. He just wants us to say yes to Him. His idea of us is so much more valuable than anyone on this Earth. Do not think for one second that humans’ opinions are the best dictators of your life… it is subject to change. We can’t keep trying to measure up, we won’t have time to laugh, and live. Don’t waste your life feeling bad about it or trying to measure up more. Accept it and you will experience the joy of life. It’s okay to feel not cute some days. Be the one to say, “I felt that way earlier today… but I didn’t stay there. I did something about it“.

Just So You Know

My DMs always empty and I accept calls that aren’t straight because of my phone… but yeah. Toodles. I really love YOU.  Yes, you looking at the Android or iPhone screen. Live life my munchkins. Don’t let someone that is hurt define your destiny, I think it’s best to leave that to Abba. Don’t allow them to dictate how pretty you are. Don’t allow others to keep you locked in a box. Take care of yourself. See yourself the way God sees you. You are worth dying for, and Jesus already did it for you, so live for Him. You are heard and you are loved. You are able to #StandWithAsia because you know that there will be down days, there will be days you feel defeated, but you still choose to love yourself in every stage that you are in.

I love you all very much. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Tell me what you thought of it and how this movement #IStandWithAsia has encouraged you. Asia has Tee’s available for those that are interested. I will leave her information so that you can check her out. Peace and happy self-love.

~🇯🇲 The CreatOR creatED a creatIVE – Queen Ruthie 🇯🇲~